If you’ve never been to Costa Rica, good for you. I mean, the place is just SO GREEN. You shouldn’t bother going. The government has been so focused on protecting the natural land and environment, that there are just trees and animals everywhere. Seriously, everywhere. Would it kill them to have a couple more Starbucks or a mall for tourists to shop at? Where do they expect us to get our coffee – at the local coffee stands and restaurants run by the locals? I’m pretty sure they grew the coffee themselves, and I just don’t know how to feel about that. At least with Starbucks, I know the coffee beans go through a whole corporate process before they get to me, and I’m sure they are just as fresh as locally­-grown beans.

Costa Rica visitors are expected to bring souvenirs back for their friends and family. Maybe there would be more room for shopping centers if there weren’t so many beaches and forests. Am I supposed to buy all the hand­made and hand­painted items that the local stands and shops are selling? I’m just not sure that that tourists really want to buy something so unique and so cultural. In a nutshell, Costa Rica is a place you should never visit. Here are the top five reasons why:

Spectacular sunset at Mansita Beach, Hacienda Pinilla
Spectacular sunset at Mansita Beach, Hacienda Pinilla

1. Sunsets are just horrible

I tried watching the sunset the other night, and it was just horrible. I mean, why are the colors so vibrant? It’s almost like there is no smog or pollution in the Costa Rican sky. Things are just so bright. I watched the sunset from the beach, and the super bright colors were obnoxiously reflecting off of the water. I mean, I get it, it’s a sunset. You don’t need to add a cherry on top. And also, why are there so many colors in the Costa Rica sunsets I could see blues, and oranges, and reds, and I think some pinks and yellows too. Do you know how hard it is to capture all the colors in a photograph? I had to stop looking at my phone, and posting to social media, because there were so many colors in this sunset. I was just trying to count the colors!

Doing the superman on a canopy tour near Arenal Volcano
Doing the superman on a canopy tour near Arenal Volcano

2. You will be soooooooo bored

OK, so this one is big. If you are used to watching a lot of TV and getting all your stimulus from a computer, tablet, or phone screen, you are really going to be super bored. All of the things to do in Costa Rica require you to get up and go outside. What!?! Whose idea was that? It’s basically impossible to be lazy. I was on crocodile tour, and had to put my phone away for fear of it getting water damage. I also couldn’t take my phone snorkeling with me – well, if I can’t capture a selfie to post on Instagram, how will I know if it even happened? It’s also impossible to hold my phone and navigate through a zipline adventure. Your phone would never survive the fall to the ground since you are really, really, high up. Like, treetop high. I also couldn’t use my phone while hiking. Normally, I’m a pro at walking and texting, but out here the forests are so wild that you have to watch out for the millions of animals that you might encounter. I wouldn’t want one of them stealing my phone!

Amazing view at Stay In Costa Rica
Amazing view at Stay In Costa Rica

3. The landscapes are yawn­worthy

Oh, wait, what’s that...right, another volcano. How many volcanoes are you going to see in Costa Rica? A lifetime worth. Some of those volcanoes are active, too! There are so many hot springs in Costa Rica, and some of them are even attached to hotels. That is valuable real estate where a man-­made hot tub could go! And the beaches....so many beaches. I mean, there are white sand beaches, and black sand beaches, and tan sand beaches. It’s like every type of beach exists in Costa Rica. How am I supposed to know which beach to go to when there are so many choices? You know what else you should note about the landscape – it’s really green. And it changes a lot. There are beaches, forests, swamps; I can never decide if I want to surf in the ocean or kayak in the river.

Tico drinking a beer at Hooligans
Tico drinking a beer at Hooligans

4. Why Ticos are so friendly?

Wow. When I’m in Costa Rica as a tourist, I just want to talk to my friends and family – whoever I came with. That is basically impossible though. Everywhere I go in Costa Rica, the local Ticos want to talk to me. They want to tell me about the party that is happening that night, or they want to recap a funny story from the party the night before. Sheesh, I get it, you are all about having fun. There always seems to be a lot of dancing too. Several Ticos have offered to teach me the dance moves, but I keep refusing because I’m sure once I know the moves, they’d want me out there dancing and partying with them all night long. It’s like they have this mentality that every day is a party, but this is my vacation; I don’t have time to make friends or to party.

Full front of Cartagos ruins
Full front of Cartagos ruins

5. You’ll gain no sense of history

The problem with Costa Rica is that it seems like everything is historical. If everything has a history, how can I gain a sense of history? I need one specific thing to be historical so that I can focus on just that. In Costa Rica, there are building, paintings, artwork, ruins, and statues with historical value; all just out there for the public to access. They have even taken buildings left over from wars and turned them into schools and museums. Can you appreciate history if you are within in its walls? I don’t think so!

Well, if you do decide to visit Costa Rica, I wish you the best of luck. Be prepared to have your eyes scarred from vibrant, colorful sunsets, to have to redefine your life since you won’t be on your phone all day, to be overwhelmed by the landscape, to have friendly locals hounding you to dance and party, and to have a whole country’s worth of history just out there in the open.